Into the River of Styx

Ok so saying that I was on the River of Styx is a bit unfair, because technically the R.S leads to Hell. And I was definitely not going to hell…I was coming from Hell.

And in all actuality, this bus ride was quite hellish in itself.

 So when I walk into the terminal to buy my bus ticket, it’s packed…and people are clearing a path when I come through because with the packsack on my back and my carry-on sized luggage I looked like I was planning on hiking into the Himalayas for 2 months.

I finally buy my ticket, and head to the bus…lo and behold, there are hardly any free seats, so I sit with some girl.

She decides to start talking to me because for some reason people think I look friendly, which usually I am, but not in this case…my back ached, and I just wanted to get out of my crap-home-town.

And then some old drunk native man(no stereotyping, just facts…)sits behind me and reeks of whatever his been drinking and possibly what everyone else around him has had to drink.

In front of me is a stripper-esque woman. Bleach-blonde-almost-white hair, WAY too much makeup, and a shiny blue zip-up with those mudflap girls stitched into the arms with too tight jeans and a gold belt.  She was either a stripper or a dude in drag…it’s up in the air.

And next to me, is this loud five year old kid.

So as the bus starts moving(45 minutes late might I add), Stripper puts on her earphones and blares her music, which I was hoping to do, but apparently I wasn’t fast enough because Kid decides to start telling me his life story.  As he was detailing kindergarten and how he learned that “yellow and blue make green, but only with paints because if you use coloring pencils, and color one on top of the other, they don’t really look green. Did you know that? I haven’t tried crayons yet. Have you? Maybe it will work with crayons, but I guess I need to try it. My friend Jimmy says it works with crayons.”
Well that entire spiel was said in one entire breath…so I’m thinking to myself “Come on, kid, BREATHE”
So as he took a breathe to continue his story, I pretended to fall asleep. He left me alone…luckily, he got off on the first stop, so I didn’t have to pretend for very long.

So when Kid got off the bus, I went to move seats, so as to not be crowded for the next 5 hours.  I swear as I was moving, I overheard “I’m in Love with a Stripper” coming from Stripper’s earphones, and I can swear I caught a tear in her eye. Apparently, it’s an emotional song. I hadn’t noticed the one and only time I assaulted my ears with the “tune”.

But before I get up, Drunky decides to get up too to hit the bathroom, and uses my chair to get up…and so, ends up using my HAIR as leverage…joy.

After I moved away, from these horrible people, the rest of the ride went pretty well.

I showed up in North Bay about an hour late, and freezing.

But now I’m here to celebrate Easter….well our version of Easter. (Last year was Tequeaster, a tequila/Mexican themed easter) This year we are celebrating Whiskeaster.(a whiskey/commercial easter theme).

Woot woot. Tonight is the “easter egg” hunt(search for shots: find ‘em, drink ‘em.)
Tomorrow is the 26er challenge. First team to finish a 26er of Canadian Club wins.

TLOTP – Season 1,Episode 4: Space Invaders in the Bedroom

Shopping was fairly uneventful: we didn’t get threatened to be kicked out, or see anything particularily interesting…adn my pants didn’t fall, tripping me, resulting in me being taken to the hospital to be pumped full of a drug I’m allergic to…lucky for me that premonition didn’t come true…

We then head to dinner and eat as fast as we can, apparently avoiding conversationg in order to have more drinking time…haha

I was then introduced to my very first sangria…uh…YUM.

Apparently Jessie thought it was inconspicuous to hide cellphones and cameras inside those menu things…yeah, because a cellphone without a flat bottom can stand up and the weight of it won’t knock down thin cardboard…clearly physics got the best of her…

After we figured out transportation, I decided to cram in a speed nap. Me and Mel passed out in Kay’s bed while he was gone.
Just as sweet sleep was about to take me away, I hear this daunting sound…it’s like X-files exploded in his dark room. I jumped out of the bed looking for the sound, freaking out.  Apparently when Kay receives a text from Sarah, it sounds like aliens taking over the Earth…

So I go down to check on my pants in the dryer, thinking it was just Mel and I in the house.  As I’m coming up the stairs the figure of a man is standing there staring at me…my first instinct is to book it towards the midget door in the basement but I just assume I didn’t hear the others come home. Well, I was wrong. It ended up being a roomates friend. No serial killer tonight.

They come home and yell at me because I napped instead of getting ready. In my defense, my pants were still wet.

TLOTP – Season 1,Episode 3: Smoothies Aren’t Always Euphoric

Arriving in North Bay after an interesting roadtrip, we made some necessary trips…and by necessary trips, I mean we went to the LCBO.

Then we were going to go shopping before dinner, however, there is an absolute requirement that before I go shopping in North Bay, I ingest a Euphoria’s smoothie.

We made the trip to Euphoria’s and ordered our smoothies…and I got a shot of Red Bull, because the energy was needed.

After getting back into the car, I place the smoothie in my lap to fiddle with the Ipod, and the smoothie starts to fall…so I react by grabbing it was quickly as I possibly can.
After I notice a bit of smoothie on my jeans, and think to myself, “No big deal, it must have spilled when it tipped”, so I pick up the smoothie to clear the mess.  Well by picking up the smoothie I apparently unleashed the hounds of smoothie hell because the smoothie started gushing onto my lap. I didn’t know what to do…this has never happened to me before….so I sat there…and let it empty out. Why did I get the large?
Well it turns out, when I instinctively grabbed at the smoothie to prevent it from falling over, I hit the straw, which then punched out the bottom of the smoothie cup. Yummy…Strawberry-banana-orange-with-a-shot-of-redbull-flavored-jeans.
Well it seems that redbull is no good for the skin…or it could be the frozen yogourt, or natural fruit sugars, or a combination of everything…because in the ride home to change my pants, my jeans began to fuse with my skin and pinch. Running, nearly screaming into the house, I slammed the bathroom door, peeled off my jeans and scrubbed like the dickens. My legs were still red later that evening.

Jeans in the washing machine, fresh pants on. Let’s go shopping.

I never want to see another smoothie again.

TLOTP – Season 1, Episode 2: When Snowbanks Attack

Let me begin by telling you, I am not a morning person. I don’t pretend to be a morning person. I don’t even like the A.M unless I’ve been up all night. And I tell you now, after spending the night drinking and staying out until about 4am, waking up at any hour before noon is almost unheard of for me….unless there’s a road-trip involved.
Well I had the brilliant conviction that we would leave at 6 am…But after careful consideration, we agreed on 830 I believe.
Well it seems that time came and went and I was still passed out….ignoring incessant text messages and and irritated Kay poking at me. At one point, in a half asleep stupor I said “Shut up Jayjay”…which is strange…I guess I was dreaming of the gang from the night before…and I guess I tell Jay to shut up a lot, so the response came naturally. Well, apparently Kay had dreamt of him too(Checking Mr.Vajayjay into a hotel room…hahah), so I didn’t feel so bad. 

Kay’s ring for texts is sexyback….Well apparently when I said “That explains why I was dreaming of Sexyback”, he thought I said “*something spanish sounding* sexyback”

Anywhos, moving on…I resisted getting out of bed until I pretty much had no choice…”I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE MY WOOOOOOOOOMB!!! The world is so cold”

Well after a stop at Timmy Hoes, and a nice middle finger at NC, we were on our way out of Timmins at about 9:30.

Now between  Timmins (where we were) and North Bay (where we were heading) there are a few landmarks. In Earlton there is a giant buffalo. In New Liskeard, there is a giant cow(possibly the only reason people ever notice NL to begin with). And there’s a giant perch or some sort of fish in some town after Temiskaming Shores…

We had the idea…ok so I had the idea of stopping at each of these monuments during out roadtrip to take pictures because of all the roadtrips we had taken, we had never taken pictures of the actual trip…just at the destinations.

While trying to stop at the buffalo we realised there were like 3 roads…none of them actually leading to the snowed in buffalo….booo. We swerved and nearly hit a snowbank and we nearly rear-ended by a car…but meh. We still had the cow, right?

Ok…so we turn into New Liskeard and attempt to turn into the City center thing that the cow is on the property of….and Kay then announces to the fine people in the car “guys, I’m not turning”
At about 2 km/h we made our way into a snowbank. Even at that speed, the front tires, somehow jumped up onto the and resulted in the front tires not touching the ground.

Kay couldn’t get out of the car if he wanted to because the snowbank surrounded that side of the vehicle….we all managed to get out on the other side and attempt to push our snowbound means of transportation out.
Approximately 2 seconds after impact, an old man comes running from across the McDonalds to help. A minute and a half after that some guy shows up in a big bitch of a black truck.
I climbed up onto the snowbank attempting to push the car out. The second I put any pressure on the car with my hands, I sank up to my hips….and was stuck.
Now I had a dilemma…do I ask people to help with the car, or to help pull me out…I stood there helpless for a few minutes until I took it upon myself to drag my sorry ass out of the frozen crap I was stuck in.

Long story short, we all played a role: I was the damsel in distress, Sam was the take-charge helper, Mel was the photographer, Kay was the driver and Ray….well Ray….he was the shortbus-frequenter in this situation.

Realizing that we couldn’t get out, the guy with the truck said he would go home and get a chain. Everyone was amazed by the fact that he came back within 2 minutes until I explained, that in New Liskeard, you live two minutes away from everything.
Once the chain was attached and the car was pulled out (HAZAA!), Ray decided it would be a good idea to wave Kay forward….while he was still attached to the truck…
Everyone was waving no and yelling, and the man in the truck was honking, yet Ray kept waving him forward…and Kay kept going…I guess Ray had this look in his eye that made Kay trust him. Luckily the chain came undone.

Well, away we go to continue on our trip. Fuck the cow.

We end up in Temiskaming shores for lunch.

It became clear the fraternizing with the locals was a no-no. And yes, fraternizing includes sex.

We drove past the fish. Seriously…not even a second thought as to going to see that fucking thing. It would have led to our imminent death, I’m sure.

TLOTP – Season 1,Episode 1: Wiggly Snake Box Penis

**Yes, I know this is a bit late…I’ve been busy…give me a break.

(season one consists of reading week weekend February 07)

In Timmins: Ok so the evening begins with me in a panic, rushing to get bar-ready and pack.

Dinner ends up being slightly later then usual, around 730 or 8.

Dinner is calm quiet…nothing momentous.

Afterward we bitch and moan and complain and try to figure out what the hell we are doing.

Pre-drinking at Ray’s. And the Napoleon Dynamite boardgame.
Now, I tell you now…with limited time and having to combine animals (possibly animals throwing footballs) none of us are artists. Also, it’s a race to determine what’s being drawn…so people are shouting random animal names…and sometimes random words that have nothing to do with animals.
While Kay was trying to draw a flashlight to show that the moth was attracted to the light, I started yelling, “Sun. Sun. SUN. SUNBOX” A flashlight has officially been dubbed a sunbox as of now. Webster’s here I come.

After that the word box started being shouted(mostly by me) for everything. Which resulted in something that sounded a lot like this: “BOX! BOX! FLOWERBOX! FLYING BOX! DICK IN A BOX! BOX…?”

something having to do with a snake…possibly a worm…anyways…it resulted in me yelling “Wiggly….wiggly snake…..wiggly snake box penis!?” (Which coincidently became the quote for the rest of the weekend.)

After I won, and was viciously scrutinized, I began talking to my cup…or rather the inside of my cup. Gazing lovingly into my cup at my wine saying “all of my friends are herrrrre”

We rush to finish predrinking and head out the Gibby’s!

Lo and behold to our amazement, and yes you guessed it, sheer delight…THEY HAD KARAOKE!

We made asses of ourselves with microphones that freaked us out and ooed and aahed at some new technological stuff, talked to some Scottish guy and went away to AMIGOS!

Usual Amigos goodness occured….It happened to be my Micheals birthday so we were quite happy to see that everyone was there, and they were quite drunk.

We sat in a Pizza Pizza for what must have been like 2 hours.

We enjoyed pizza…or they enjoyed pizza…I threw what we later figured out to be cream cheese chunks at people. It almost became a full fledged food fight…lucky for our competitive selves it didn’t because I can guarantee the police would have been called…

Anyways, we sat there and Kay decided to go and buy some pizza. After paying for it, he turned to walk away and approximately 2 seconds later, the manager announced they were closing and the rest of the pizza was free. Kay then threw his pizza down, had a tantrum and then relaxed.

After getting kicked out of the pizza pizza (because it closed..not becuase of anything we did), we were going to walk…but decided to jump into a 2 and a half minute cab because we didn’t want to pee our pants and it was too cold to pee in an alley way this time…

The lives of…these people.

I’ve always said my life should be a TV show…well I’m turning it into a blog show.
Coming soon to a blog near you is the series “The Lives of These People” which will document the adventures of the Terrible Trio(mostly) and those who are frequently present for our adventures.

It will be done in episodes. Keep checking back kids because this weekend alone quantifies about a dozen episodes…so they will be posted one after the other, most of them in one night.

Oh and everything that happens in my “stories” is TRUE! Why make up fiction when reality is just as messed up?

Series opener: “Wiggly Snake Box Penis” coming soon.