Archive for the ‘Fuck!(Ranting)’ Category

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Petition to Chlorinate the Human Gene Pool

August 13, 2008

I’m not one to judge the whole based on a portion.
Not one to judge an entire group based on an individual.

But let’s face it, as I get older(and more bitter), I begin to notice just how asinine many of our fellow humans can be.  Is it wrong to suggest sterilization for the stupid?

Today, I have read about, heard about and otherwise witnessed human idiocy in action.  And I must say, I witness stupidity on a regular basis, but today was saturated with good old fashioned dumb ass activity.

I was walking down the street and noticed a woman stumble in front of me.  I knew the stumble, I’ve done that stumble: it’s the stumble where you are wearing shoes you can’t really walk in for the sake of fashion.  Naturally, I gazed down at her feet.  The woman’s ankle was wrapped for what I can only assume is a sprain or a healing broken ankle  and she was wearing 4-inch, open-toed, open backed wedges.   I understand fashion, I do.  Yes, they were nice shoes but quite frankly, I’d rather wear runners and avoid further injury such as, oh, a broken leg, or maybe a smashed skull.

Shortly after wedge-woman, I encountered a woman with an arm in a sling(maybe these injuries are signs of previous idiocy, who knows?).  She was carrying a rather large backpack – the kind you use to go camping – which looked heavy as it was hanging low and she was supporting it on only one shoulder.  That would seem like a smart idea, right?  Well, it would if she weren’t wearing it on the same side as the sling. Genius.

For the final case of complete lack of intelligence, I will refer to a news paper article:
A few weeks ago, a young man was stabbed, beheaded, cannibalized and cut to pieces on a Greyhound bus.  My heart goes out to the family of that young man and to the people on that bus who had to experience that horrid display.
I won’t speak of the idiocy of the man responsible, because I’m sure it’s fairly clear that he is not only void of intelligence but also of sanity.
I am referring to a church group from Kansas.  I’m not attacking religion, or any city in America here; only this specific church group.  I am usually fairly level headed when reading news stories, but this article angered me so much, I was shaking and red in the face.
The church group plans to protest at the young victim’s funeral stating that the reason he died was that “God” was punishing Canada for it’s laws and tolerance regarding abortion, homosexuality and adultery.  Apparently, this group has also been known to protest outside soldiers’ funerals.  Their actions not only pass far beyond simple human idiocy, but obliterates human decency.  They demand to be acknowledged in their beliefs and respected, yet they have no respect for others.
Luckily, if the lunatics are raging at the border, the border guard has orders to refuse them access to Canada.  However, it will be impossible to prevent all of them access so, forces have been made readily available to stop them should they attempt to display their ignorance.  Defense, not offense; they will not seek the members of the less-than-humane group out, but should any appear, they will be ready to stop them.
Here’s hoping the police use tasers on them.  Preferably in the genital area.

I don’t claim to be supremely intelligent, nor do I say that I have never done anything stupid, but I still don’t come from the shallow end of the gene pool where all the dirt and debris collects and festers.

(Note, that despite the fact that chlorination implies cleansing, I, by no means, think to take it to a Jihad level. I won’t go about trying to eliminate all the stupid people in the world.  Really, if I did, who would run our countries and be our teeny-boppers’ drug-riddled-crotch-flashing-pop-singing-reality-TV-role-models?)

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Again? What the hell? An update.

April 27, 2008

I know it’s typical of me, but here goes nothing…

I’m quitting smoking…again…the last time I lasted about a month, but then I got hit by a truck and have been smoking again ever since that faithful day. November 30th.

Well, I’m trying to quit again…for several reasons:
1. Money is insanely tight and I’ve gotten into chain smoking due to the stress of school. I go through 2-5 packs a week. Which amounts to about 200$ a month on smoking, if not more, which means about 2,400$ a year. That pays 3 and a half months of rent.  So yeah, I’m attempting to push away this expensive, and bad habit.
2. Health is a big issue.  I’m always sick and cancer runs in my family in a big way.  So I’ve decided to quit for my health as well.
3. My weight is an issue I’ve been tackling a lot lately.  I’ve lost quite a bit just by changing my eating habits and taking diet pills but with smoking, my lungs and energy levels have taken a hit so exercise is kind of difficult…and when I find myself running for 2 and half blocks to catch a bus and am out of breath for a few minutes and my legs are wobbly for about 10 minutes…it’s time to quit.
4. Long term goals…I’ve always wanted to run a marathon or at the very least a half marathon…but with my lungs..well that’s out of the question.  I have bad lungs to begin with (health stuff I won’t really get into) so running is difficult enough as it is, but with smoking as much as I have been, it’s not even an option.
5. The major reason, which compiles all the other reasons into this last one, is my son.  I want to set a good example for him.  He already knows that smoking is bad because of all the no smoking signs and the fact that I tell him it’s no good.  I want him to grow up in a healthy household and I want to be there for it, and to be able to keep up with him. Not to mention have the cash to do it.

So my last cigarette is sitting in a pack in front of me, and I’ll smoke it before I go to bed.

Tomorrow I’m going cold turkey.  It’s not fun, but I’ve done it before(not that I have anything to show for it right now…).  If I can find something to take over my time, I should be ok…I’ll probably start cleaning or working out when I get a craving.  So by the end of the week my place should be spotless. Haha.

I’m still looking for a job, which is difficult because I can only work days Mondays to Fridays because of daycare.  I can very well go to work and leave a 4 year old(5 in two weeks) alone, can I?  And in terms of sitters, everyone else has their lives to tend to, which is fine with me.  So I went and applied to the local Teletech…I worked at the one in Timmins, and that was an interesting experience…nothing spectacular but it’s a job, right?

School is basically over for the year.  I have a few more things to hand in before the 30th and then my first year of Advertising is over.  Then, comes the waiting.  I wait to see if I passed everything, which I think I should.
If I didn’t pass…well I’m leaving.  Some may call it running away, I call it a new beginning.  If I don’t pass my classes, it means I can’t return next semester or graduate because I’ll be missing some necessary credits, so what’s the point?  I could take it second semester of second year, but I’ll be on placement, so I really can’t see myself doing that.
If it so happens that I fail, I’m going to Montreal. Far away from here, where I know almost no one.  Maybe that’s what I need. A REAL fresh start.  Other than school, there’s nothing holding me here. No one has asked me to stay and I don’t expect them to, even though it would be nice.  I know I’ll be missed by some, I’ve been told that, and of course, I will miss many of the friends I’ve made here, but friendship isn’t reason enough for me to stay in a town that I don’t particularly like anymore.  Friendship can last the barriers of space, that was proven to me when I moved here, away from my many friends in Timmins.  They are still dear to my heart, and we still keep in touch.

Tomorrow, I’m going to do a few things that I am not too proud of, that I am not looking forward to doing, but as much as I’ve tried to avoid them, I can’t think of a way around it right now.

I’m aggravated with myself, and I kind of hate myself for doing it, but my future, hell, my present is on the line right now…so it has to be done.

Wish me luck in life. Apparently, I need it. I suck at life.

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Brighter Discontent

February 26, 2008

I’d like to know why I even bother?
I mean really. I try and I try to be happy but all of my trying seems to lead me nowhere.

I always seem to pile so much on to myself in the quest for happiness but in reality, I’m not piling anything on, I’m really just doing what I have to do to get by, or what I think I need to do to get by.

It’s the great debate: do I want physical health, mental stability, grades or happiness (of which I currently have none)?

I can’t seem to keep up. I want the place spotless, and the homework done, and the life to become simplistically routine, but it never happens. It never seems to happen. I sleep in, I get sick, I lose motivation, I die a little more inside every day.  Hell, at this point even looking at a sink of dishes damn near sends me into a conniption.

Life is becoming too much and as far as the world is concerned, these are supposed to be the best days of my life and real life hasn’t even started yet.  Well I have 4 little words for the world: Fuck the hell off!!!
I want none of your speeches, I want none of that crap, I don’t need to be told I don’t know what it’s like to have responsibility.  You don’t even fucking know me! You have no idea what my daily life is.  You couldn’t even begin to imagine what I’ve been through, what I’m going through RIGHT NOW!

Granted, I know I could be worse off.  I suppose I could be more miserable. 
It’s not like I’m trying to say I’m anything special, I’m well aware of the fact that I’m nothing special, I don’t need to be told.

I guess I’ll just have to settle for being imperfect, for being less then happy, for being compared, for adamantly psychoanalyzing situations, for being left for dead, for never being that someone that’s needed above everyone else to anyone.  I guess I’ll just have to settle.  I’ll probably never be happy, but I’d be okay with a brighter discontent.

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No Surprises Here.

January 23, 2008

I’ve spent the better part of my life proving the majority wrong.  What most people said I couldn’t do, I tried to do.  Sometimes, I succeeded.  Actually, most times, I succeeded.

All my life, most people have told me that I’m useless and that I’ll never go anywhere.  They told me I was a failure.  Not at anything in particular, but in general. A plain, old, run-of-the-mill, all-purpose fucking failure.

I fought it for the longest time and typically came out on top.  Not any more, I’m behind, I’m losing, I’m failing.  There’s no sense in carrying on an argument when you know you are wrong.
I bet on the wrong team, the tiny team that said I would go places, that said I would achieve my dreams and that I could do anything.

I lose. I fail at life.  I guess the majority wins, as usual.
Today, I admitted defeat. Today, they won.  Today, the last bit of me that cared enough to fight, died a miserable, painful and lonely death.

Congratulations on your sweeping victory…Really, I should have known it was no contest.

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Catch 22

January 15, 2008

I had originally intended to celebrate this year’s birthday with the biggest bash imaginable. Let’s just say that is no longer my plan.

I’m sure it’s normal for some people to feel this way, and I guess it would be normal for me. I’m young at heart, I don’t want my age to keep climbing. But maybe, I do.

I intend to hide in a dark room and wait for the phone to stop ringing, ignore all the Facebook messages wishing me a happy birthday, skim mindlessly through the e-mails, and try not to kick the people who say happy birthday to me, and may the heavens help their soul if they fucking sing.

I don’t want to be 22.  It’s a double-digit. A landmark. And I have nothing to show for it. Fuck.

I’m not well travelled, I’ve never had a great job that I liked, I don’t have any special talents, I’ve never had a substantial relationship, and I’m not finishing school this year.

All this may seem trivial. In fact, I’m sure it is trivial but I can’t help but let it all get to me.

I hear friends and family talking about where they’ve been and what they’ve seen. Hell, I hardly even remember Toronto because I haven’t been there for 10 years.  I want to see the world.  But still, even though I’m only turning 22, I feel like my days are numbered, and I’m just not going to make it.  Ah well, if I live until November, I’m going to Mexico to lay on the beaches, drink tequila and talk about the most random drunken crap I can muster.

There are people who are just working their part-time jobs and love it. Others are already out of school, and have a job they love.  And most others are heading for careers in something they are passionate about.

I’m not particularly good at anything. I’m not musically inclined(I can’t play an instrument, and despite the fact that I try to sing, I just can’t do it), I’m not artistically gifted(I draw/paint but it’s not phenomenal, and let’s face it, I’m not the best writer), I’ll never be featured on the Food Network (call me Martha Stewart all you want, I’m just following a fucking recipe, plus I have a tendency of setting things on fire), I can’t knit, crochet, dance, convince, nothing…I’m not good at anything.

My longest relationship was 6 months long, and the only reason it lasted that long was because it was an open relationship for 3 of those months.  I’ve never had a great love, though I’ve had my heart broken.  It would be nice that I could say, that at the age of 22, I’ve actually believed someone when they said they loved me, but alas, I never bought a single word of the crap that came for those boys’/girls’ mouths.

 Everyone else my age that I went to high school with, who doesn’t already have a job, is graduating from University this year. Me? Not so much. I’m in college and I’m still not sure where I’m going. Like a college diploma, or three will get me anywhere.

I don’t know what the point of this ranting is. I don’t want to be 22 and a nothing.  I have no big news, no fantastic life changing experiences…

I feel like I’m not living anymore, I feel like I’m just surviving. I feel like I’ve become every useless human being I swore I would never be like.  Fuck 22.  Fuck the world. And don’t you dare give me cake.

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Happy fucking New Year, bitches.

January 5, 2008

So it’s 2008.

The beginning of the year after 2007.

Twenty-oh-eight.

Eight years after the world was supposed to end and people scrambled to find candles and unplug their toasters for fear that they would turn into psychotic, instantly intelligent, murderous beings, that would burn you and then eat your brain.

Yeah. Well, so far it sucks.

Fuck you.

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This is love/hate.

October 28, 2007

I hate that you were living the life I always wanted.

I hate that you got the idea for your life from the dreams I shared with you.

I hate that you never experienced loss like I have.

I hate that you were tanning on the beaches of Australia while I was heading to school in -30 Celsius to go and write an exam for a class I didn’t even like.

I hate that everything seemed to work out for you.

I hate that you never looked back.

I hate that we lost touch.

I hate that you couldn’t talk to me.

I hate you for letting go.

I hate you for giving up.

I hate you for taking those pills and slitting your wrists.

I hate you for not giving me the chance to save you.

I hate you for not giving me the time to tell you how much I love you and everything about you.

*************************************************************************************

I received the devastating news today that a friend of mine, Christy, committed suicide Friday in her apartment in Australia.
From what was pieced together, she wrote down a list of all the people she wanted to have contacted(myself being one of them), wrote a few goodbyes, as well as her reasons for not being able to take life anymore. She then took several pills, and got into her standing shower, ran the water, and slit her wrists.

My old friends are dropping like flies. In times like these, I understand how completely powerless she must have felt, how helpless she let herself become.

I hate her for letting go. And sickeningly, all at the same time, I’m jealous that her pain is over.

I wish I had had the chance to tell her what a beautiful soul she had, that her smile lit up a room, and that her brilliant mind always had me on the edge of my seat.

There’s no sense in wishing.  It’s too late.

I love you, Christy.

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Ouch.

June 2, 2007

It appears I’m a college graduate, as of yesterday morning. But in reality, I can’t really see that anyone but myself and those who graduated with me give a shit.

I worked hard, and felt that I derserved some recognition…I guess I felt wrong.

I felt like complete strangers wishing me congratulations cared even more, and were prouder then those close to me.

Out of approximately 30 people, only 9 graduated, myself being one of them, and I think that’s fucking huge. And I’m a double major…SERIOUSLY!?!?

But it’s like working myself to the bone, to tears at time, for eight months straight, meant nothing. (not to mention the work I put into it the year before, as well.)

To those who actually made me feel happy about this momentous day(this huge day that only occurs every so often), thank you, thank you so much for making me feel like I’m worth something.
To those who inspired this post…I’m sure you can guess what I’d like to say to you.

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This is me screaming…

May 10, 2007

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

 What we’re you expecting?

Seriously, today sucked.

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Me. In a nutshell. Now.

May 5, 2007

**Inspired by Shane. Adjusted by me. Influenced by wine. Written due to recent occurrences.** 

I’m broken.

I don’t trust easily.

Don’t try to fix me, you’ll get hurt in the process.

I’m messed up. It’ll either endear you to me, or scare the hell out of you.

I’m constantly on the verge of tears, but you’ll never see me cry.

My heart beats to the rhythm of a techno song.

My mind is always racing. Thinking this much can’t be a good thing.

I’m intelligent but I’ve come to realize that I don’t know that much.

I deal with things in a way that may not seem favorable to most. It’s what works for me. Believe me, I’ve tried other things and this is all that works.

By asking me to open up, you push me away. Please don’t. I’ll do it in my own time.

Very few things can make me shy.  But the only things that can make me shy, it seems, are the things I really want. Badly.

I laugh to avoid crying. I smile to avoid breaking down.

I’ve been through more then anyone knows. No one will ever know everything that’s happened to me. Ever.

I play mind games only when you do. And I’ll beat you at them.

I’m tired of being back-stabbed. (Do I have a fucking target on my back with a basket of knives that says “please take one”!?!)

Never act like you are better then me. I’ll prove you wrong.

I’m human. I have human emotions. But I’ll never let on to that.

I play a part. But I’m still me.

***Update: Thank you for your apology…semi-apology…either way, it means a lot.(you know who you are)***