What?

No. Seriously. Double yew, tee, fucking, eff.

Full moon maybe? Must be. Rising tides, falling stars, imminent apocalypse? Shift in tectonic plates? Butterfly effect: someone went back in time and did some random shit that I don’t care to venture a guess at?

 Weirrrrrrrrrdness lately. And I L-O-V-E it. Well for the most part….A little confusion is all part of it I suppose.

Bring on the weirdness if it means that I can keep living this very life. Things are looking up…and they really shouldn’t be.

Anyone sane would run. Well, call me crazy. Call me fucking crazy.

I don’t really know either of you. But I think of both of you when I’m trying to sleep at night. This weekend. This weekend. See you there.

 (please, forgive the confusion I am sure to have instilled on you through this post)

The chemicals are restless in my head

This weekend has been pretty insane. And by insane…I mean insanely fucked…
It’s like your parents having sex: you know it’s normal, you know it had to have happened at some point, but you don’t want to think about it, and you do your damnedest to completely avoid having to consider the topic. (See? Now I made you guys all uncomfortable..Well, get over it. YOU’RE PARENTS HAVE SEX YOU DOUCHEBAGS…or have at least once…)

Okay, so maybe that analogy will only make sense in my mind…but I’m running on about 2 hours of sleep for the past two very busy days, and I’m recovering from some temporary stupidity. Give me a break.

In short, this weekend probably drove me slightly closer to the edge. If I wasn’t crazy before…I am now.

Summary:
- Met a boy. Became completely smitten with said boy, lost it(and didn’t care), and then it came back with intensity, and went away again just as easily as it came. (In 2 days)
- Saw someone, talked to, danced with, damn near spent more time with someone whom I’d been hoping to see for the longest time, and had just recently pushed out of my mind, and had hoped not to see anymore. Needless to say, what was gone has now returned with a vengeance.
- Lost my shit in a way I’ve never experienced before. Too many chemicals in my system and not enough sleep, I suppose.
- Couldn’t stop smiling for something that I am kicking myself for now.
- Fell in and out of love with my life repeatedly. 
- Two days, two after-parties, two boys, two hours of sleep, two pills. Hell knows how much alcohol.

How do you measure stupidity? Iwish I knew and then maybe I could be into perspective just how ridonk I feel.

Don’t get me wrong, this weekend was awesome. Met some awesome people. Had some awesome times. Had a smile on my face for the better part of it. But goddamn my brain won’t shut off and leave me alone. Shut up, brain, stop making me think about what I don’t want to think about.

Ending. Beginning. It’s all the same.

Today seems to be the end for a lot of things for me. But in every ending there is always a new beginning. Hmm, I wonder just how cheesy I can get while writing this. How many cliches can I fit into one post?

Alright, back to the fact.  Today, I feel different. I’m not sure if it’s a good different, or a bad different, but I can tell you that it’s a determined different.

I went to the college today and brought in my take-home test and a final report. My last act of scholarly business with Northern College.

Last night, I finished a pack of cigarettes and didn’t restart today.  Today is the first day of quitting. Again. I’m not sure how long this time will last, or if it will last. But I can try.

Also, today, since I’m in resolution mode seemingly, I’ve decided to be done with him. He is still on my mind, yes, but I made a promise to myself to not think of being with him as I’m about to drift off to sleep, I promised myself to not think of kissing him every time I see him, I promised myself to not make a point of looking for him whenever I go out, I promised myself to not remember how he made me feel when he looked at me with those big brown gorgeous eyes of his, I promised myself to not remember how carefree and how happy, how completely perfect I felt when he had his arms around my waist and his lips on mine.

But you see, resolutions don’t come easy to me. I like adventure but I still like to maintain a lot of the same. Change scares me. But I welcome that fear. I welcome the challenge.

With every new day comes a new challenge and a new adventure. 

People may ask me if I’m sure…and you know what? I never am.  I’ve been asked if I was sure about a lot of things lately and every time I said “yes” but I was taken aback by my own response.  I never know if I’m ready for something until it’s over. Sometimes, I wish I had said “No, I’m not ready”, “No, this isn’t right” but for the majority of the time I don’t regret much.

Regret breeds insanity…and maybe I’m a little crazy already. I think I’m too crazy as it is, and I can’t afford to go crazier, so I can’t afford to regret.  But not regretting is hard…especially lately.

Bring on the challenges, bring on the change, bring on what I can’t afford to regret but still will. This is the end. This is the beginning. Hell, I just confused myself. Let’s just call this change.

What now?

So yesterday was my last official day at college.
Technically, I’m done…I still have a take-home test and a small report to write but otherwise, I don’t have to set foot in Northern College ever again.

I can say that this really is a bittersweet day.  I can’t stand Northern College and their crap ass policies and attempts at educating us. But also, I had the best time ever at that place. I made some of the best friends a girl can have.

During my two-year stay at this school, I’ve made my share of mistakes, I’ve had my share of adventures, I’ve had conflicts, and stress and serious issues.  But now that it’s done, I realize just how much I’m really going to miss that place.

I’m going to miss coming out of class and recognizing everyone in the cafeteria, I’m going to miss joking around with the profs and the sutdents at the profs expense. I’m going to miss knowing where I stand.
Oddly enough, I’m actually going to miss the drama, and everyone knowing everyone’s business. I’m actually going to miss the profs:

I’m going to miss Claus and his eccentric, anarchic rantings, and hardly ever knowing what he was going to talk about next and his occasional un-politically correct slip-ups.

I’m going to miss Raj and how half the time we didn’t understand what he was saying. I’m going to miss seeing him get all excited and start talking at lightning speed. I’m going to miss the random words that were mispronounced. I’m going to miss that blank stare and little smirk that he gives you and you get the impression that he’s either not really listening, or has no idea what you are talking about.

I’m going to miss Mary-Anne and how we would catch her in mistakes. I’m going to miss how she would speed through a lesson and then wonder why we were confused.

I’m going to miss Tracy and her spaciness. I’m going to miss how she used being on cold medication to cover up her un-professional slip-ups (which were hilarious btw)

But most of all, I’m going to miss Wendy and Candace.

Wendy is that teacher that can intimidate anyone. She knows what she’s talking about and she expects the best of you. She’s a hardass. For a while, I even thought she might be a robot.  But now, after 2 years with the woman, I can see a very human side of her. She cares about all her students and she wants them to succeed in whatever they do, even if it’s not accounting.

And Candace, by far my favorite prof at Northern College.  She was the prof you could really talk to. She was understanding and personable.  She could make us laugh, and could tell when we really needed something.  She never really got frustrated with those who didn’t understand something (and believe me, in her position I would have slapped the crap out of some people in R.W).

I’m going to miss the security guards, and the maintenance supervisor, the secretaries and the librarians.

It sounds crazy, but I’m going to miss my whole experience, even if I’m beyond ready to move on.

What really scares me though is that I can’t stop thinking: “What now?”

I’ve spent the past 8 months wearing myself out to near death. I’ve been nothing but exhausted with my double major since September, and now I have nothing to do.
Sure, I have things to do, but I don’t have anything that requires every waking minute of my attention, that requires incredible amounts of work, or that requires me to not sleep for days on end.

I may have wondered what I had gotten myself into when I had all that work to do, but now I wonder even more. I think I may have conditioned myself to have to be under pressure and working hard all the time.

Relaxation? Well, I’m trying. But of course, like everyone else, school isn’t the only stress in life. And I don’t think I can really remember how. But for the time being, I will have to adjust to my new life, I suppose.

Goodbye Northern College. I salute you with a middle finger in the air and a tear in my eye.

That’s it. I’m selling my body.

So I’ve decided that I may move to Toronto in the next few months. But while seriously thinking about moving to this fast-paced, very expensive city, I also started to think about money.

How am I going to make the money to move to Toronto let alone pay the rent, my tuition, books, day to day expenses and most importantly whatever my boy needs?

So I started thinking. And I came up with 3 options that might actually make me some good solid cash.

#1- I could set up a meth lab in my basement. But then I’d have to worry about explosions, and the whole “having some slight knowledge about chemistry” thing is kind of a problem.

#2- I could just sell my body. Problem: greasy, dirty, nasty and ugly people alike, all send me running. I’m too picky to be a hooker.

#3- I could be a pornstar. I make my own hours, choose whom I want in it and make tons of money if I can sell the video to a company.

Then again, I’d much rather make videos about porn like this:

I could totally spend my days doing that shit.

Meet my lover : Procrastination.

“Who has never killed an hour? Not casually or without thought, but carefully: a premeditated murder of minutes. The violence comes from a combination of giving up, not caring, and a resignation that getting past it is all you can hope to accomplish. So you kill the hour. You do not work, you do not read, you do not daydream. If you sleep it is not because you need to sleep. And when at last it is over, there is no evidence: no weapon, no blood, and no body. The only clue might be the shadows beneath your eyes or a terribly thin line near the corner of your mouth indicating something has been suffered, that in the privacy of your life you have lost something and loss is too empty to share… ” – Mark Z. Danielewski

Does it really get more accurate then that?
I think not.

And I think that now I will go do my International Marketing or Management Accounting assignments.

Who am I kidding? You all know I’m going to Facebook. Or dance around my living room.

My math teachers lied to me.

In school, you’ve all been in this situation:
Disgruntled student: “Aw, why do we have to learn this?”
Aggravated teacher: “Because it will come in handy in your life. This formula is applicable to a lot of things you will do.”

But then, I started to think.(which is never really a good thing…)
I hate math and love math for the very same reason. There’s only one right answer.

If you get the right answer right off the bat, you’ll know. And feel like a genius.

But if you get the answer wrong, you have to go back, look at what you’ve done, and manipulate everything until you get it exactly how you want it to be.

Math teachers will try to tell you that math is like life.
WRONG!

There is no ONE right answer for life little situations. There can be many. Or there can be none at all.

In math x + 2 = 5, x is always equal to 3 and there is no other way around it.

In life, x can be many things or nothing at all.

In math, you can manipulate your variables to get the answer you want or the answer you need.

In life, you can manipulate your variables all you want and never find the answer you want or need.

In math, there are specific methods to find out what you want. If you want to find out the side of a triangle, use the Pythagorean theorum and you’ve got it. If you want to find out what your investment will be worth in 10 years use the future value formula.

In life, there are no given formulas, or ways to find what you need.

Life gives you variables and you can stick them into as many formulas, or combinations as you want and never come out with a suitable solution.

In math there are x’s and y’s. Additions, subtraction, multiplications, divisions.

In life, it’s all about exes and whys. Addtions, subtractions, times and divisions.

Sure we can toy with them and attempt to come up with the perfect formula, but it will never happen.

Life has no one specific answer. Nothing is guaranteed to be right.

I wish life was more like math.

And math teachers: Stop misleading your students. Fuckers. 

I used to want to be a Vegetanarian.

Vegetanarian…it’s not a typo. It was my way of saying veterinarian. When I was 4.
And then as I got older, I decided that I would go to school for law, be a lawyer for about 4 years, then go for Prime Minister of Canada(of course in my mind I was instantly voted into parliament) so I could be the first female PM(the first real one anyways, Kim Campbell doesn’t really count), do that for one term, 2 terms if I really liked it. Then, go on to be a veterinarian, and once I retire I can live on a self-sufficient farm and take care of my own animals and grow my own food.
I’m serious. I was a determined child. Maybe a little crazy. 

But let’s be realistic: your childhood dream probably got crushed, just like mine did.

And then as you aged, you had more dreams, like I did.  Those dreams slowly and systematically or quickly and accidentally got painfully crushed as well. 

Well, I have some brand new dreams. But I don’t know which ones to pursue. And I don’t think I can handle these ones getting crushed.

I want to work in advertising, I have a passion, a flair for business. I think I can be the next big Advertising-CEO-Prime-Bitch-Monster-Awesome-Suit-Wearing-Boss.
Problem: things are telling me that the advertising route is not the right one for me.

When I picture myself on the job and in the future, I either see myself in an office with lots of windows and this amazing mahogany desk with matching bookshelves just packed to the rim with binder and portfolios and books. Or I see myself as a teacher…a high school teacher.

As far as high school teacher goes, I would teach English. It was my original plan coming out of high school. But then I got scared, and worried about my mother so I went to the local college and took the first program that came to mind.
It turned out for the best because I never would have known that I like business if I hadn’t taken this program and I wouldn’t have met the amazing people I know now. I really, truly believe that I’ve made friends for life at Northern.
And also, friends who seemed so far away, established a real friendship. I know who I really matter to.

Now back to decisions.
I can go to either a one or two-year program for Advertising, possibly following up with some University.
I can go to University for 5 years and become a high school English teacher.
I can come back to this shit hole and get my three-year degree in Accounting.(I already have 2 years)
I can go to another college for one more year, and complete my double major with a third year degree.(just because NC doesn’t offer a third-year Marketing program.)
I can work some minimum wage job for a year,decide what I really want while saving money, and paying off some loans. Just to go and dig myself deeper into debt when I go back to school the next year.

The decisions are flying through my head. And driving me a bit crazy. Maybe a lot crazy.

Another problem: it’s crunch time. At this date, it may be too late to apply to most Universities. Joy. Because I was beginning to think that the English major was really what I wanted. But they say you always want what you can’t have.
Maybe I only prefer it because in some masochistic sort of way, I know it’s out of my reach.
I think I still have time to apply to college. Which is great. If I don’t have time, I’ll come back to Northern again…I’m already pre-approved. Even if I wasn’t they accept anybody at any date. So who am I kidding?

I’m going bloody freaking mad. 
So, I could use some feedback. Please. Pretty please.