Again? What the hell? An update.

I know it’s typical of me, but here goes nothing…

I’m quitting smoking…again…the last time I lasted about a month, but then I got hit by a truck and have been smoking again ever since that faithful day. November 30th.

Well, I’m trying to quit again…for several reasons:
1. Money is insanely tight and I’ve gotten into chain smoking due to the stress of school. I go through 2-5 packs a week. Which amounts to about 200$ a month on smoking, if not more, which means about 2,400$ a year. That pays 3 and a half months of rent.  So yeah, I’m attempting to push away this expensive, and bad habit.
2. Health is a big issue.  I’m always sick and cancer runs in my family in a big way.  So I’ve decided to quit for my health as well.
3. My weight is an issue I’ve been tackling a lot lately.  I’ve lost quite a bit just by changing my eating habits and taking diet pills but with smoking, my lungs and energy levels have taken a hit so exercise is kind of difficult…and when I find myself running for 2 and half blocks to catch a bus and am out of breath for a few minutes and my legs are wobbly for about 10 minutes…it’s time to quit.
4. Long term goals…I’ve always wanted to run a marathon or at the very least a half marathon…but with my lungs..well that’s out of the question.  I have bad lungs to begin with (health stuff I won’t really get into) so running is difficult enough as it is, but with smoking as much as I have been, it’s not even an option.
5. The major reason, which compiles all the other reasons into this last one, is my son.  I want to set a good example for him.  He already knows that smoking is bad because of all the no smoking signs and the fact that I tell him it’s no good.  I want him to grow up in a healthy household and I want to be there for it, and to be able to keep up with him. Not to mention have the cash to do it.

So my last cigarette is sitting in a pack in front of me, and I’ll smoke it before I go to bed.

Tomorrow I’m going cold turkey.  It’s not fun, but I’ve done it before(not that I have anything to show for it right now…).  If I can find something to take over my time, I should be ok…I’ll probably start cleaning or working out when I get a craving.  So by the end of the week my place should be spotless. Haha.

I’m still looking for a job, which is difficult because I can only work days Mondays to Fridays because of daycare.  I can very well go to work and leave a 4 year old(5 in two weeks) alone, can I?  And in terms of sitters, everyone else has their lives to tend to, which is fine with me.  So I went and applied to the local Teletech…I worked at the one in Timmins, and that was an interesting experience…nothing spectacular but it’s a job, right?

School is basically over for the year.  I have a few more things to hand in before the 30th and then my first year of Advertising is over.  Then, comes the waiting.  I wait to see if I passed everything, which I think I should.
If I didn’t pass…well I’m leaving.  Some may call it running away, I call it a new beginning.  If I don’t pass my classes, it means I can’t return next semester or graduate because I’ll be missing some necessary credits, so what’s the point?  I could take it second semester of second year, but I’ll be on placement, so I really can’t see myself doing that.
If it so happens that I fail, I’m going to Montreal. Far away from here, where I know almost no one.  Maybe that’s what I need. A REAL fresh start.  Other than school, there’s nothing holding me here. No one has asked me to stay and I don’t expect them to, even though it would be nice.  I know I’ll be missed by some, I’ve been told that, and of course, I will miss many of the friends I’ve made here, but friendship isn’t reason enough for me to stay in a town that I don’t particularly like anymore.  Friendship can last the barriers of space, that was proven to me when I moved here, away from my many friends in Timmins.  They are still dear to my heart, and we still keep in touch.

Tomorrow, I’m going to do a few things that I am not too proud of, that I am not looking forward to doing, but as much as I’ve tried to avoid them, I can’t think of a way around it right now.

I’m aggravated with myself, and I kind of hate myself for doing it, but my future, hell, my present is on the line right now…so it has to be done.

Wish me luck in life. Apparently, I need it. I suck at life.

You live, you learn; You lose, you win

Over the years, like anyone else, I’ve lost some friends, and gained some new ones.

I realize that if I lost the friends, I really didn’t consider them worth fighting for in the first place.

People who had once been an integral part of my life and let something ridiculously mediocre get between us and ruin what should have been true friendship, don’t matter to me.

Those who are out of my life are out of it for a reason. I don’t need their drama, I don’t need their childish ways, and I certainly don’t need their pathetic tantrums when they aren’t the center of attention.

It’s funny how I’ve moved on and some haven’t.  I suppose that is what happens to spoiled children when they are no longer the center of everyone’s universe. Guess what? It’s not all about you.

Luckily for me, I have real friends, I have a support system and I have everything I need. Minus the crap I had to sift through to find that.

It would be nice if people got over themselves and realized that there are more important things in the world then themselves.

Also, a little civility would be nice.  I’m a civil person to those who have left me in the dust, but apparently I’m a dying breed.

Religion 101

So I may not know a lot about religion, but I do know more than a lot of people.

I have taken course after course, and read book after book. I’ve researched and spent sleepless nights wondering, calculating, analyzing.

There are some things that I do know for facts and it’s that those in a particular religion, those who are truly dedicated, will refute anything you tell them, they will refute whatever you may tell them that could possibly falsify their beliefs. I understand this. I really do.

I was raised as a Roman Catholic and I truly believed.  I was a good little Christian, I went to church every week, prayed in the morning, at meals, and before bed and more importantly, I kept my questions to myself.

As I got older, religion seemed questionable to me. I began to ask questions, and in doing so, alienated a great many people.  I learned to keep my questions to myself again.  But eventually, you begin to realize, you aren’t the only one who doubts that faith they were raised with. 

I began doubting my faith at a young age, though I still wanted to believe.  When you are a child and you’re told that you are being protected my some ominous great power, that you are being watched over, you feel safe.  When you begin to doubt your faith, it’s like going out on the ocean during a storm on a rickety canoe with no life jacket.
I wanted to believe, I wanted to be proved wrong. I wanted all my theories to go to shit, and to have some powerful bright hand come down on me and tell me to believe and tell me that “He” was there and that I was not alone. That never happened.
Around 15, I began to stop hoping. And at 17, I stopped believing completely.
This is why:

At 15, I began to discover that I was not alone, and I found the safety that had been lacking in my life with people who encouraged my free thought, who really listened to my religious theories.  They even started to believe what I believed! I didn’t want to be the founder of some new religion but it was nice to see that there was some validity in what I was thinking.
It was like that for quite some time.
At 17, my father went into the hospital. This was nothing new, because he’d been sick for a long time and would have sporadic spurts in the hospital. This, was however the last time, and he would never come home.
When my mother came home and told me he was unresponsive, I screamed, and cried and threw the most childish fit you’ve ever seen. And then, I prayed. I didn’t stop, I prayed. I begged god to let me keep my daddy or to at the very least let me say goodbye.  That didn’t happen.  I didn’t get to say goodbye to my daddy, I didn’t get to tell him that I loved him and that I was sorry for the times I treated him so miserably. And I was. I was so sorry.
The day I had to say goodbye to my father’s cold body was the day I stopped believing almost completely.
When he was in the funeral home, I retreated into the chapel by myself. I sat there, in the back of the dark empty chapel, and had a one-sided argument with the cross at the front. Begged for some answers. Cried, even screamed, and I got nothing.
I no longer believe in this Christian god.

I’m not bashing those who believe. I understand why you believe, and I’m not trying to convert you.  I’m just giving my reasoning.

The sudden onset of wanting to write this post was because i spent the better part of an hour Facebook creeping a religious group.  The pictures that were posted were very anti-religious, adn the comments on them were terrible.  There’s a vindictive onslaught of arguments and hatred.

I understand the validity in ALL religions. I have studied and in fact based my belief system upon many religions.

Is it so hard to live and let live? Is it so hard to let others believe what they may in peace, and have your own belief system?

I have no problem with other religions, as long as no one tries to convert me to them. 

I just wish everyone could get along.  I may not believe what you do, but at least I respect the fact that to you, it’s everything.  It would be nice if others could do the same.