The Rules of Perspective: Part 3

I didn’t realize that letting go would hurt this much.

I had a good thing going, but as usual, “good” doesn’t last long in my life.

It was a complicated situation, more complicated then it should have been, and unfortunately it took me longer then what would have been preferable to realize just how deep I was getting into it.

I was starting to fall for this guy, he’s an amazing person, but apparently he’s just not right for me. Why? Because he makes me happy but I’m clearly not enough for him.

I realized I was falling for this guy, and decided to call it quits. I won’t be heartbroken again.  The situation was too much for me to handle, I wish I was stronger, but I’m as weak and pathetic as I’ve always been.

I think I’m scared of being happy. But I’m more scared of fighting a lost cause and having my heart broken again.

I suppose things just aren’t meant to go well for me.
Maybe one day I’ll work through my issues and find a guy or girl who has worked through theirs. 
Maybe one day there won’t be a psychotic ex waiting to rip my hair out, and beat me with whatever is within their reach.
Maybe.
I doubt it, though.

It’s funny how I’ve forgotten what heartbreak really felt like.
I forgot what it was like to be so tired and not be able to sleep and lay sleepless with my thoughts in my bed for 6 hours (even though I had enough meds in my system to knock out a horse). 
I forgot what it felt like to cry to the point of getting sick.
I forgot what it felt like to cry myself to sleep.
I forgot what it felt like to wake up to a wet pillow because I’d not only cried myself to sleep but probably continued to cry in my sleep. 
I forgot what it’s like to get aggravated at the slightest reminder.
I forgot what it feels like to hate myself for being so stupid. 
I forgot what it felt like to be so angry with the world, but mostly with myself.

I forgot what rebuilding walls felt like. 
I had so many emotional barriers that had been not only broken and passed but disintegrated completely by his words, and the trust I placed in his hands. 

It took a while to get the walls down but only seconds to rebuild.  At least I can still do that.
They’re back up, and my faith in the male gender in terms of “relationships” is close to zero again.

I think it’s funny how hurt I am by the end of “nothing”.

Bring on the beer.  I intend to get ridiculously hammered and get reckless. Forget everything.  Be stupid.  Get mine.