Brighter Discontent

I’d like to know why I even bother?
I mean really. I try and I try to be happy but all of my trying seems to lead me nowhere.

I always seem to pile so much on to myself in the quest for happiness but in reality, I’m not piling anything on, I’m really just doing what I have to do to get by, or what I think I need to do to get by.

It’s the great debate: do I want physical health, mental stability, grades or happiness (of which I currently have none)?

I can’t seem to keep up. I want the place spotless, and the homework done, and the life to become simplistically routine, but it never happens. It never seems to happen. I sleep in, I get sick, I lose motivation, I die a little more inside every day.  Hell, at this point even looking at a sink of dishes damn near sends me into a conniption.

Life is becoming too much and as far as the world is concerned, these are supposed to be the best days of my life and real life hasn’t even started yet.  Well I have 4 little words for the world: Fuck the hell off!!!
I want none of your speeches, I want none of that crap, I don’t need to be told I don’t know what it’s like to have responsibility.  You don’t even fucking know me! You have no idea what my daily life is.  You couldn’t even begin to imagine what I’ve been through, what I’m going through RIGHT NOW!

Granted, I know I could be worse off.  I suppose I could be more miserable. 
It’s not like I’m trying to say I’m anything special, I’m well aware of the fact that I’m nothing special, I don’t need to be told.

I guess I’ll just have to settle for being imperfect, for being less then happy, for being compared, for adamantly psychoanalyzing situations, for being left for dead, for never being that someone that’s needed above everyone else to anyone.  I guess I’ll just have to settle.  I’ll probably never be happy, but I’d be okay with a brighter discontent.

Falling Off the Face of the Planet…

It’s funny, I always wondered what it would feel like to not exist, and now I know.

I always wondered what it would feel like to walk into a room and not get noticed, not get acknowledged, to have it be like I’m not there at all.  Now, I know.

It’s actually kind of a freeing feeling considering the circumstances.

Granted, I haven’t ceased to exist in everyone’s eyes, just one person, but the cold front received is enough for me to understand what not existing feels like.

I must say, I feel a bit free now. I was so concerned about hurting this person, and now that I’ve become a complete ghost to this person, I don’t have to worry about it, do I?

I’m happy now. I mean, I’m truly happy in a situation that I thought would kill me.
More good came from this “mistake” then bad. Not mistake, unexpected events…

It truly is a freeing feeling to fall off the face of the planet. You should try it sometime.

The Downfall of Whispering

There’s something to be said about being soft-spoken. But there’s more to be said about speaking THE FUCK UP!

In the past few days a few things have been said to me in whispers, and I mean, let’s face it, my hearing isn’t that great.  I may have misconstrued some things that were said, I may have misheard some things that were said, or I may have, to my chagrin and over-analytical mind, heard exactly what I thought I did.

I don’t know. Things seem to fly into my life and turn my world upside down, and leave just as quickly as they came in.  I’m hoping that my stupidity doesn’t force all the good things out of my life, like it has in the past.
I also hope, that I can stop hoping, this whole “looking on the bright side/hoping for the best” thing is not my style, and unfortunately I’ve adopted the attitude in the past few weeks.
I think I’m losing my mind, I hoping for something that I can almost guarantee is impossible, I’ve naively blocked out signs that I should have seen.

I should have known better.  I just hope it’s not too late.

I also hope I’m being delusional and over-thinking matters again, and that everything is in my head, and things are still wonderful.  But then again, in my experience, it’s a waste of time to hope.

 (I also have a 104 degree temperature and have passed out twice today. Joy. Oh, well.)