When it rains, it fucking pours.

Today…what can I say about today?

Well it started out pretty normal. My friend and I ran up to the school because I needed to get some things done. I saw a boy…a boy that I had considered maybe thinking about but then not…then stopped…then pushed it out of my mind because considering maybe thinking about anyone is crazy…absolutely crazy, right? Well…I’m considering maybe thinking about him again…The smirk, the sweet little wave…he’s just so…Well, he’s not the point of this post.

On the way back home, my friend was driving me home…We drove through a busy intersection. It’s one of those moments that you play in your mind, and still can’t believe is real. The intersection is busy, and we couldn’t see past the line up of cars but drove through anyway, chancing it. It’s a moment that played in slow motion. I saw the truck, I saw it coming, and then I closed my eyes. Next thing I know, I was being thrown around like a ragdoll.  My first instinct was to run. But I couldn’t. I wanted out, I wanted out now, I couldn’t breathe.  I looked over at my friend and we simultaneously said: “Are you okay?”, more concerned with each other then the pain we were feeling. My head was pounding. I threw my seat belt off. I wanted to run, I wanted out, I couldn’t sit there. But I had no choice. Some one came running, my head was pounding, the world was a blur, people were staring, I wondered if it was a dream. Then sirens. I was scared and in shock, I was in pain, but I didn’t care. In that one moment, that one moment before the truck hit us, I thought I was going to die. And guess what, my life didn’t flash before my eyes. I wonder what it would have looked like if it did…if it would have been a long running movie of mistakes and pain, or if it would be like a slide show of moments of bliss, moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything.  I won’t know. There’s no sense in wondering…that moment will come…My life will flash before my eyes one day. But it didn’t today. When that day does come, I want it to be miraculous, like the best movie ever made, but never seen by anyone’s eyes but my own. I want to know that everyone is envious of that sight, that everyone is envious of that beautiful, momentous flash. I want to feel like I have witnessed the most beautiful, amazing thing on Earth, in all of creation, just before the darkness.

I know this doesn’t make sense to anyone. I’m highly medicated, but I can’t sleep. I think, subconciously, I’m afraid to. Or maybe it’s post-traumatic stress.

Let me clear things up for my very few readers:

As we were crossing a very busy intersection, a rather large moving truck was going much faster then it should have been.  I was in the passenger side, the side that the truck hit.
I can’t really tell you what happened in the seconds after the truck hit. I may have blacked out for a few seconds. My eyes hurt from clenching them shut so tightly.  When it hit, I curled up and leaned inwards, which probably saved my life, or at least allowed me to go home a few hours later without a hospital stay or severe injuries.
Someone came running to the car and wouldn’t let us out. I couldn’t have even if I wanted to…The truck hit my side so hard, the door wouldn’t open, later three firefighters would be bracing themselves with a foot on the car and pulling with all their might, and the door wouldn’t budge.
The paramedics came and insisted we get into the ambulance. Being the independant person I am, I wouldn’t let the paramedic help me out as I crawled over the drivers’ seat…In fact, the only help I accepted from him, was having him hold my purse as I got myself out.
In the ambulance they would do a preliminary examination, and I would be assessed with neck pain, which got me strapped into a stretcher and then told I was not allowed to walk. I got wheeled into the hospital and ushered into a wheelchair. Though I insisted I was fine, they wouldn’t let me.  After 2 nurses and one doctor examined me, they would finally let me walk down the hall to get x-rays.  I was assessed with a mild case of whiplash. And everyone told me I was lucky.
I didn’t like being told I was lucky because it made me panic…it sent me into a frenzy of “what ifs”.

The doctor prescribed some anti-inflammatories and some T3s, bless his soul.

Now I’m home, lucky to be in pain, and not worse.

But it’s taught me something important…Something I should have known, but never really acted out: Live everyday as if it were your last, because it just may be.

Starting tomorrow…or when the pain isn’t there, I’m going to start living by that. I’m going to be the person I want to be…the person, I’ve wanted to be but was too afraid to let out.

On top of the accident, I’ve gotten some pretty craptastic news. My sister won’t be coming for Christmas, and I haven’t seen her in a year and a half, I miss her more then words can say.  I respect why she isn’t coming…what I don’t respect are the assholes she works for…To give an entire company in another country Christmas day off, she was told she would have to work, and she’s doing it. My sister is an incredible woman, and I love her to death.

 There are some things that a blog can’t tell…there are some things that words can’t say. As hard as it is to put into words, I’m turning my life around. The world has taken something from me, and to hell if I’m going to let it keep doing it. I’m taking back my world, I’m taking it back and nothing is going to stop me, and fuck anyone who dares to get in my way.